"A bird sitting on a tree is never afraid of the branch breaking, because the trust is not on the branch but on its own wings. Always believe in yourself."
Lately I have been waking up early and running in the morning before I go to work. Running is my meditating, pondering, distressing and most importantly my "me" time. When I am out running, my mind is in its clearest state and I do some of my best thinking. This being said, I had quite the pondering session this morning and it has lead me here ...
If I were to write an autobiography, the opening lines would go as follows ... Here I stand, a 27 year old female, finally feeling free of the traps that once held me captive. These traps were set off by many factors, some being other people, my environment, and even myself. The irony of these traps is the fact that I held the so-called "key" to the traps the whole time I was trapped. I had the control to remove myself from these traps, but lacked the knowledge on how the key worked. If only 13 year old me had the knowledge of using the key. The knowledge of how the key works has not only freed me from the traps, but set me free to spread my wings and fly!
The key represents courage and with courage comes the ability to gain confidence. This is one of those life lessons that has been such a remarkable blessing in my life. This journey I have been on has been one for the books ... I just can't even begin to describe the great things that have happened because I chose to become a better me. Not only have I lost an incredible amount of physical weight, but I have been able to shed the emotional weight that I have chosen to hide behind for way too long.
This morning I had a flashback of many things that have happened in my life, both recently and farther back. I was able to reflect back to a time where I felt that the only way out of the trap was to take my own life. This was a time that I was bullied harshly because of the way I looked. I remember walking down the hall hearing "you are truly the ugliest girl", "your shirt says wanted, you aren't wanted by a boy, you are wanted to kill yourself", a time where I was shoved into the walls and kicked because I had a kick me sign on my shirt. This was a dark time of my life that lead me down a road of feeling no need to improve, because no one cared about me. This morning, I had the deepest desire to go back to that 13 year old girl and sit and tell her how much she is going to love herself in 14 years. Better yet, I wanted to sit with that girl and teach her how to love herself, how to use the key then. I wanted to teach her to have the courage she needed to be a confident young girl, because she deserved that.
Another reflection I had this morning was a conversation I had with my dear friend Bob Ellis, it was actually the last conversation I had with this great man before he passed away. Bob was always like a grandpa to me, we always called him our second Grandpa Ellis. I had many great conversations with him, but this last one sits deep in my heart. We were able to discuss the improvements I have made in my life and the great things that are coming from it. I walked away from that conversation really reflecting on the great person I have been able to become. Bob was one of my favorite people to run into and I sure do miss him. I am going to hold him to his words of needing to find me a great man ... So, Bob, do some work from above!!! Haha
I am just so grateful to have finally gained the courage to fight the unhealthy lifestyle I was living trapped in. This journey has lead me down a path I would have never managed traveling. I always dreamed of being the girl I am today and now I get to live it! I wake up happy to be alive and be the person I am. I love looking in the mirror and acknowledging the beautiful girl standing there. I get so excited to try the things I never thought I would be able to do. I love knowing what I am worth and what I deserve. I am so glad I have the knowledge to not let my happiness depend on having other people or things in my life. I am so proud of myself for being able to walk away from situations that will only damage me, even though it is hard to do. The best project I have ever worked on is myself!
"I love the person I've become because I fought to become her." -Kaci Diane
October 2015
7 years ago
