O Balance, Where Art Thou?

Oh man... Where has the time gone? It is October 5th!!! Life has been uber busy lately and I just keep trying to let the wind take my wings and let them soar, but my wings are getting tired and need a landing. With life being so busy lately, I have really had to start being a lot more organized and disciplined with myself. Because my life is so busy, my body is definitely trying to figure out a balance. I have gotten myself under 200 pounds... woot, woot!!! Yet, my body wants to keep just fluctuating up and down right there. I am at one of those stand stills that my body likes to do every once and awhile. I am hoping my fluctuations will start trending downward soon.

One of the major things I have noticed with life being so crazy is the lack of tracking and being aware of my dietary intake and a decrease in my physical activity. I am seeing the effects of these and realize a couple of things. First, I am human and will have moments, days, even weeks, where the struggle is real. I will not be the perfect Weight Watchers member all of the time. That is one of the reasons I love WW. I have never felt criticized or judged as I step on the scale each week, the opposite has actually happened... my WW leader, Heidi, has been there to support me each week and gives me the proper encouragement I need to keep up my effort and continue to strive for my long term goals. I seriously owe so much to Weight Watchers and Heidi... my life has been and will continue to be blessed by the things they help me to achieve. Secondly, balance is key! I am trying hard to find time to do everything I need to do and am learning to prioritize.

There are some other things that have kept me busy as well... I am currently training for my first 10K on Thanksgiving morning. I am so excited to take this on and cross that finish line! I have even recruited my favorite race buddy to run it with me. With the lack of free time lately, I have not been able to run as much as I would like to, so it has made it a little more challenging getting back in the training groove. My allergies and sinuses have been quite irritated lately and have made training a bit of a struggle, but today was the first day I ran a full two miles without having to stop. I loved every minute of today's run. (Even though it took quite the self pep talk to get out the door! HaHa) I tend to forget how healthy exercise is for my mental state... It is seriously what keeps me sane most of the time.

Come January, I will be working full time and attending school part time. Life is about to get even crazier!!! I will be attending the Salt Lake extension of Utah State University. I will finally be an Aggie! I had plans to attend USU right after graduating high school, but plans fell through and I worked and stayed in the valley instead. I am majoring in Health Education and Promotion. I am so excited to take on this journey and really use my passion for a health to influence the world. I have learned so much about the greatness of living a healthy lifestyle, I now want to share this knowledge with the world. I have ambitions of being able to go to third world countries to help improve the nutrition they are provided. The passion I have to help children grow up healthy and well is so deep. We all deserve a life not chained down by obesity or unhealthy lifestyles. Kids need to be able to be kids and get out and play!!!

Lastly, this summer has brought the most pleasant surprise to my life. I met and wonderful guy named Rob and am lucky enough to still have him in my life today. We met on a dating app called LDSMatchup... or as I like to call it Tinder for Mormons. I am super embarrassed that I did this dating app and met some weird guys on there! I had had it with the crazy guys and was about to delete my profile, when I got a notification that I had a new admire named Robert. I thought he was cute and decided I would like him back, but refused to make any contact, if he wanted to talk, he had to initiate the conversation. Well... he initiated and the rest is history. Remember my last post about my dear friend Bob Ellis and having him send me a man from above? Three days later, I met Rob. Rob has been a wonderful addition to my life and I am enjoying building the relationship we have been forming for the last few months. Being in a relationship has proven to be an adjustment to my lifestyle, as my free time is not as abundant as it used to be. I do consider myself fortunate to have found a guy who is constantly encouraging to reach my goals. Ok... Enough of the gushy stuff... This is a changing lifestyle blog...

This blog is definitely more random than most, I hope to be able to get another good specific post up soon!

Life is a grand blur, but good things are forming from the blur!!! Til next time!

Gaining The Courage To Be Confident!!!

"A bird sitting on a tree is never afraid of the branch breaking, because the trust is not on the branch but on its own wings. Always believe in yourself."

Lately I have been waking up early and running in the morning before I go to work. Running is my meditating, pondering, distressing and most importantly my "me" time. When I am out running, my mind is in its clearest state and I do some of my best thinking. This being said, I had quite the pondering session this morning and it has lead me here ...

If I were to write an autobiography, the opening lines would go as follows ... Here I stand, a 27 year old female, finally feeling free of the traps that once held me captive. These traps were set off by many factors, some being other people, my environment, and even myself. The irony of these traps is the fact that I held the so-called "key" to the traps the whole time I was trapped. I had the control to remove myself from these traps, but lacked the knowledge on how the key worked. If only 13 year old me had the knowledge of using the key. The knowledge of how the key works has not only freed me from the traps, but set me free to spread my wings and fly!

The key represents courage and with courage comes the ability to gain confidence. This is one of those life lessons that has been such a remarkable blessing in my life. This journey I have been on has been one for the books ... I just can't even begin to describe the great things that have happened because I chose to become a better me. Not only have I lost an incredible amount of physical weight, but I have been able to shed the emotional weight that I have chosen to hide behind for way too long.

This morning I had a flashback of many things that have happened in my life, both recently and farther back. I was able to reflect back to a time where I felt that the only way out of the trap was to take my own life. This was a time that I was bullied harshly because of the way I looked. I remember walking down the hall hearing "you are truly the ugliest girl", "your shirt says wanted, you aren't wanted by a boy, you are wanted to kill yourself", a time where I was shoved into the walls and kicked because I had a kick me sign on my shirt. This was a dark time of my life that lead me down a road of feeling no need to improve, because no one cared about me. This morning, I had the deepest desire to go back to that 13 year old girl and sit and tell her how much she is going to love herself in 14 years. Better yet, I wanted to sit with that girl and teach her how to love herself, how to use the key then. I wanted to teach her to have the courage she needed to be a confident young girl, because she deserved that.

Another reflection I had this morning was a conversation I had with my dear friend Bob Ellis, it was actually the last conversation I had with this great man before he passed away. Bob was always like a grandpa to me, we always called him our second Grandpa Ellis. I had many great conversations with him, but this last one sits deep in my heart. We were able to discuss the improvements I have made in my life and the great things that are coming from it. I walked away from that conversation really reflecting on the great person I have been able to become. Bob was one of my favorite people to run into and I sure do miss him. I am going to hold him to his words of needing to find me a great man ... So, Bob, do some work from above!!! Haha

I am just so grateful to have finally gained the courage to fight the unhealthy lifestyle I was living trapped in. This journey has lead me down a path I would have never managed traveling. I always dreamed of being the girl I am today and now I get to live it! I wake up happy to be alive and be the person I am. I love looking in the mirror and acknowledging the beautiful girl standing there. I get so excited to try the things I never thought I would be able to do. I love knowing what I am worth and what I deserve. I am so glad I have the knowledge to not let my happiness depend on having other people or things in my life. I am so proud of myself for being able to walk away from situations that will only damage me, even though it is hard to do. The best project I have ever worked on is myself!

"I love the person I've become because I fought to become her." -Kaci Diane

Dating While Lossing Weight...

***Disclaimer... this post is not a pity party or a "feel bad for me" post.

 This post is purely to get some thoughts out of my mind.***

Tonight I am going THERE... I am discussing dating! Dating and I have a love/hate relationship... I have been on some really fun dates with some really great people, but I have also had the crazy dates! I have been able to broaden my dating experience recently and have really enjoyed it, but man... being almost 27 and single in Utah is not always to my advantage! Haha!!! Dating and weight loss are two very odd combinations for a discussion right? Yes they are... and I am combining them tonight... so enjoy!

I have mentioned before that I am not losing weight to become more dateable. I am losing weight to become a healthier me... I want to experience all that I can in life without my weight holding me back. I will be honest though... I have gained a lot of confidence over the last year and am quite proud of who I am becoming and how I am looking. Heck! I am achieving so much!!!

I have had multiple discussions lately with both male and female friends about dating and what others are looking for in a companion and a topic is quite common. I have even fell to trying a new online dating website and noticed the same topic in some of the guys profiles. This topic is the desire to date someone who is as physically active and health conscience as you are. Now I agree... my health has become so important to me and I need to be with someone who wants to come do active things with me and eat healthier. I would struggle with someone who doesn't want to eat the same meal as me or someone who would not be willing to go to the gym with me every once and a while. So I understand what people are saying when they state their desire for a fit person.

The struggle I am currently having is knowing who I am on the inside versus the appearance on the outside. It may seem trivial, but the struggle is real! Some of the guys I really am more attracted to and would like to pursue... with my lack of flirting and dating game ;) HAHA... are guys that state this exact thing, they want an active, healthy girl. I immediately put myself in the friend category and think to myself, "you do not look like an active, healthy girl; therefore, they are not going to be interested in you." Even though I am that girl, I just have a few more layers to shed before you can actually see her! I am an active person and I love being healthy! I can run over 3 miles straight, I eat a lot healthier than I ever have, I go to the gym 5 days a week, I am even healthier than some of the thinner people I know. I just know that because I don't "look" as thin and healthy as others, that I am tagged as an unhealthy person. So, my question to you all... how do I look past this and realize that I am capable of what I want? How do I get a guy to realize that I am healthy and active even though I don't look like it at the moment?

Did I word vomit enough? I just needed to get that off my chest... Thanks for reading and letting me do that!

P.S. I am participating in Lent this year and have chosen to give up sweets. I am a week in and doing great! I love being able to try something new, especially culturally! I am also hoping to curb my sweet tooth and enjoy the natural sweet things more in the long run! I am also getting really close to my next goal and will post when I hit it!

Till next time!

Being My Biggest Believer Because I Can Do Hard Things!

Oh man... I don't even know how to start or what to say. I have so much on my mind and I just don't know how to express all my thoughts into words. My life has just been beyond wonderful and I am just so grateful for the opportunity that this transformation has given me, the opportunity to find the true me, the confident me.

 

So, let's start off with some great news... I stepped on the scale on Tuesday and saw a number I had been dying to see, one that took me quite the struggle to get to. I am officially down 50.2 pounds since I first started WW at the beginning of March. This number was so big for me, it was a number that meant a change I had yet to achieve. The first time I did WW I gave up right before reaching 50 pounds lost, I struggled and kept bouncing at the scale, I would gain more than I could lose. Well this time I still struggled and boy it was hard! I made it though... I conquered the battle of getting over that big hill! The week before Thanksgiving I was 1.6 pounds away from reaching 50 pounds lost. I thought to myself, "no big deal, I can lose that in 2 weeks." I knew I was going to join a gym soon, it was getting harder for me to run in the colder weather, so that would boost my weight loss. Well, I did not lose the first week, which was expected. I had kicked up my workouts and started resistance training. With this came an added muscle gain, so I gained 1.8 pounds, totally expected but, I then expected a huge loss the next week. So, I lost 2.2 pounds but, gained the next week, lost then gained and man I was not happy. With the help of my WW leader, we came up with a plan to trick my body into losing again. The body hates losing weight, it makes the mind think that you are dying and goes into survival mode, hence the yo-yo of weight. We decided to add one cheat meal and increase my protein to fuel the muscle I am gaining. (That was a tricky thing for me, I am not a huge meat eater, and had to find some other forms of protein to enjoy.) So we went on with this plan and it worked! I lost 1.4 pounds the first week and then 1.6 pounds the next week. My body finally decided to listen and I achieved my goal Dec. 30th... perfect way to end the year!

 

When I lose certain amounts or a percentage of weight I pick out a non-food reward to give myself, it gives me something to look forward to and pushes me to my next goal. I have rewarded myself with new clothes, cutting and coloring my hair, going to a movie I want to see. All things I have enjoyed along the way. For my 50 pound goal I wanted to reward myself with 2 pairs of boots to wear. I was so excited on Black Friday as I had bought them and could not wait to wear them. Well, you just read about my up and down struggles and it took me 4 and a half weeks to get to where I could actually wear the boots. Believe me, it came at perfect timing, my feet were freezing on these windy, cold nights. Opening up those boxes felt like opening a Christmas gift, I just couldn't wait to wear them! They are so fun to wear and are such a great reminder of the achievements I have made so far... now to choose my 75 pound reward.

 

When we lose certain amounts we get recognized in our meetings and are then asked to share one thing we have learned so far that has helped us get there. I love this question because it truly shows an insight to the people I have learned to love and look forward to seeing every week. I was so excited to share what I had learned and that is what I want to share with you. I want you guys to know how amazing my experience has been. I was truly fighting back the tears when I came home on Tuesday, I was able to take time to reflect on myself and who I have become. I have learned to love myself for everything inside and out. That person is wonderful and I love her so much! Now to clarify, I have loved myself for a very long time, I had to learn that at a young age, so please don't think that I never thought good of myself before now. I have just uncovered a lot of greatness that was hiding behind all that fat.

 

I used to watch The Biggest Loser and roll my eyes every time they said that emotional weight needed to be ridded for physical weight to leave. I thought this was the biggest crock of bull, and thought that losing weight was strictly physical. Well let me tell ya, weight comes in more than one form. I have truly seen myself change and become more confident as I have let the emotional weight leave me. I have truly seen a transformation within myself that is remarkable.

 

I used to care so much about what others thought of me. I constantly thought of others critiquing me the second they saw me. They would look at my hair, my body shape,  my clothes or my make up and think "poor thing, she can't even get herself prettied up." I would see them critiquing my social skills, my spirituality, my personality, the way the way I stood, the way I ate, the way I did anything. I felt highly insecure. The first time I joined WW I wanted to look good for men, I wanted to become dateable. Well, let me tell you... you should never lose weight for someone else! You won't do it for the right reasons and you will most likely fail at your attempt. When I walked into the doors this last March, I knew that I wanted a change, but I was the only one that I could change for. I didn't want to become more dateable, I didn't want a modeling career, and I didn't want more attention. I just wanted to find the girl hiding behind the fat that held her in.

 

I am just so proud of myself and who I have become. I have truly learned about how important my role is here on Earth. I have learned how great my role is as a daughter of God. I have learned that I am capable of being confident in all I do. I am no longer as afraid of change as I used to be. I have learned that conquering a fear is remarkable. I have found an inner fitness lover who loves to run and enjoy the mental benefits of being active. I have learned that I can dress well, I can do my hair, I can do my makeup and look in the mirror to find a beautiful person. I find that I can look in the mirror at 6am and still find beauty. I have learned that I can ignore the critics, they have no effect on me. It is funny how they still appear in my life, but I just don't take what they think personally anymore. I have learned to love me at such a deep level!!!

 

This journey is just amazing and I am so excited to see what else is in store for me! I have a feeling that 2014 was my stepping stone to a great 2015! My life is full of promise and I just can't wait to see the adventures ahead!!!